please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
