i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
