go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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