i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
