Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
