Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I look better un-naked...
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
