I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We need a shit load of segways right now
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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