I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
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This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
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I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.