new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
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Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
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Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis