I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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