Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
