i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
