I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
