Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
