i just wanna soil my oats bro
Do you still have your period?
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
