I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Someone came in the potted fern
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
