i'm signing you up for texting rehab
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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