Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
