Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
