so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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