apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
