shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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