I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
