My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
