i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
