if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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