sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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