Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
