lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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