Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
