our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
my poor anus
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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