i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
