I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
