it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
