New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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