he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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