A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
