I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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