You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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