My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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