Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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