if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
