Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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