Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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