I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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