what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
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Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
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I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize