he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
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I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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