I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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