He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Randomize
