It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
