Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
