The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
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Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
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So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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