I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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