Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
handjob tips. give me some.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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