DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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