I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
