Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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