The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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