My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
