She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
