I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
